I don't want to be upset anymore...

Times like this, I don’t know what to think. Can’t rid myself of this feeling of sadness and anxiety. Just when things seem so perfect, the day has to end this way... I know, it may be too much to ask for a little bit more time together, just to cuddle after laboring through dinner preparation on a sore ankle and before facing another impending work week of stress. But I’m not complaining about the cooking. I really wanted to make the effort because there’s always a wonderful feeling of fulfillment acting like a homemaker for the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But it is tiring, I must say, even more amplified by the worries of going back to work after the long weekend. It would have been perfect to simply end the day lying in each other’s arms, and all my troubles would magically fade away. Instead, he preferred to go home and rest for an early morning start the next day.

I will not deny that I’m disappointed. I can’t help the way that I feel. I know it is a petty thing. I have no reason to be upset. But I also could not speak up in honesty nor demand for what I wanted. It would be unfair, inconsiderate and selfish of me. So I chose to keep my mouth shut. Learning from the lessons of the past, I went home to deal with my feelings on my own.

Here I am again, with all these questions in my head. I wish it were as simple as focusing on all the many good things, and as I’ve been told hundreds of times, remembering the wonderful reasons why we are together. But in moments like this, all the bad things come rushing back in an uncontrollable fury. Though petty and easily rationalized as a non-issue, I feel worse and worse by the minute. Suddenly, I can’t think straight. Suddenly, I wonder how I can pour every little ounce of my energy on this relationship and still doubt that I’m doing the right thing. What if the attraction is blinding us from seeing what is real? What if I’m making another mistake? What if one day he decides he can’t accept nor deal with the kind of person that I am? It’s absurd I know, and extremely blown out of proportion! But the questions continue to bother me.

I don’t want to go through this over and over again. I feel all alone, having to deal with things on my own, especially when there’s nothing to do really but just wait for the feelings to subside. Is there another way to deal with this? Perhaps with the person who supposedly cares about me?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe this will just go away. This is why I thought it best to let this all out in writing, instead of going through the cycle of talking and fighting and then admitting it was my fault all along. Because in the end it is. As I’ve said, I have no right to be upset. Still, I’m sad.