Somehow “everything yellow” doesn’t quite seem appropriate anymore…
I felt like changing this blog. Somehow “everything yellow” doesn’t quite seem appropriate anymore…
Why change? I guess being where I am today, I realize how inevitable it really is. I look back at the last 3 years and can’t help but feel all nostalgic. So much has happened.
With work, most of the people in my team have moved on. And those who have remained, I hardly get to hang out with anymore. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t really invest much emotionally in the relationships. As I’ve always said, “work is just work”. Still, moving on to another team makes me sad that there doesn’t seem to be much of an impact with the people I’ll be leaving behind. I packed my things quietly. Sure they’d joke about me abandoning them, but really, they’d pass me by without any real feeling of loss. Work goes on... Little did I think that it mattered to me, to have that feeling of significance. I may not have intentionally or deliberately showed genuine concern for the people around me, but I have cared about their welfare. In my own way, I’ve made sure that they would be in the best place they can be. Oh well… Ganon talaga. I just have to learn to comfort myself in the thought that I did good, despite a whole lot of shortcomings. Heck, I didn’t even ask to lead my team in the first place! I did what I could. It doesn’t matter if mattered to others or not.
I’m just in limbo right now. They told me I should officially join the other team yet I don’t have any place to work. I have a worn-out laptop to use temporarily but no table, no network connection. Sheesh! It will take up much of my time to have it setup properly! With all the work that needs to be done, I’d rather use my time working than fixing my new workspace. Hay naku! If they really wanted me (rushing me to start work even!), the least they could have done was make sure I could easily settle in. Sa totoo lang, I could go home right now and nobody would notice...
Yeah, I really want to just go home. On top of the deadlines, the hassle of transferring, I have so much bottled up feelings on personal issues. For some time now, I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night so depressed, I’d end up crying until the morning. It’s almost like a recurring nightmare. I’d find myself in that same scene... I’d hear the same lines over and over again and the same painful feeling overwhelms me. Masakit man, (it really felt like I was crushed to pieces!) I swallowed my pride and accepted it. The old me would have given up. But I didn’t.
For the first time in my life, I made a vow to myself to change. I am a stubborn person. I believe strongly in my own sincere intentions so it is very difficult to convince me that I’m wrong. It wasn’t easy to see that I had a problem. But I did change. It was a decision I made, with every single moment of every single day… every instant I felt I was becoming what I was seen to be, I’d step back and control myself. And all for what? Just my way of proving how much this person means to me. Nakakagulat isipin na nagawa ko rin yon... Of course I’d have my occasional shortfalls. But I’d be quick to redeem myself for fear of breaking my personal promise to myself and to that person I cared about. In a way, I truly feel I’ve changed. Hindi nga kapanipaniwala na kaya ko pala... Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay bakit parang meron pa rin akong pagkukulang? Nagbago man ako, parang hindi pa rin sapat. Yeah, things have been easier and it’s been really good. So why does it feel like it’s not going anywhere? May kailangan pa ba akong patunayan? Akala ko kung mabago ko sarili ko, mas magiging madali akong tanggapin...
I may have the tendency to be upset about the littlest things. I tried not to be for some time now. And I think I did well. Though I also admit I’ve been falling short of my own expectations of myself lately. I can’t help it with the way I’ve been feeling right now. I may get upset a lot, but I also know and accept that things will never be perfect. All I need is the assurance that I matter enough not to give up trying. After all, problems will always be there. It’s in knowing that we are in this together, no matter what, that a relationship will work. For as long one person feels we’re not ready, we never will be.
Why change? I guess being where I am today, I realize how inevitable it really is. I look back at the last 3 years and can’t help but feel all nostalgic. So much has happened.
With work, most of the people in my team have moved on. And those who have remained, I hardly get to hang out with anymore. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t really invest much emotionally in the relationships. As I’ve always said, “work is just work”. Still, moving on to another team makes me sad that there doesn’t seem to be much of an impact with the people I’ll be leaving behind. I packed my things quietly. Sure they’d joke about me abandoning them, but really, they’d pass me by without any real feeling of loss. Work goes on... Little did I think that it mattered to me, to have that feeling of significance. I may not have intentionally or deliberately showed genuine concern for the people around me, but I have cared about their welfare. In my own way, I’ve made sure that they would be in the best place they can be. Oh well… Ganon talaga. I just have to learn to comfort myself in the thought that I did good, despite a whole lot of shortcomings. Heck, I didn’t even ask to lead my team in the first place! I did what I could. It doesn’t matter if mattered to others or not.
I’m just in limbo right now. They told me I should officially join the other team yet I don’t have any place to work. I have a worn-out laptop to use temporarily but no table, no network connection. Sheesh! It will take up much of my time to have it setup properly! With all the work that needs to be done, I’d rather use my time working than fixing my new workspace. Hay naku! If they really wanted me (rushing me to start work even!), the least they could have done was make sure I could easily settle in. Sa totoo lang, I could go home right now and nobody would notice...
Yeah, I really want to just go home. On top of the deadlines, the hassle of transferring, I have so much bottled up feelings on personal issues. For some time now, I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night so depressed, I’d end up crying until the morning. It’s almost like a recurring nightmare. I’d find myself in that same scene... I’d hear the same lines over and over again and the same painful feeling overwhelms me. Masakit man, (it really felt like I was crushed to pieces!) I swallowed my pride and accepted it. The old me would have given up. But I didn’t.
For the first time in my life, I made a vow to myself to change. I am a stubborn person. I believe strongly in my own sincere intentions so it is very difficult to convince me that I’m wrong. It wasn’t easy to see that I had a problem. But I did change. It was a decision I made, with every single moment of every single day… every instant I felt I was becoming what I was seen to be, I’d step back and control myself. And all for what? Just my way of proving how much this person means to me. Nakakagulat isipin na nagawa ko rin yon... Of course I’d have my occasional shortfalls. But I’d be quick to redeem myself for fear of breaking my personal promise to myself and to that person I cared about. In a way, I truly feel I’ve changed. Hindi nga kapanipaniwala na kaya ko pala... Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay bakit parang meron pa rin akong pagkukulang? Nagbago man ako, parang hindi pa rin sapat. Yeah, things have been easier and it’s been really good. So why does it feel like it’s not going anywhere? May kailangan pa ba akong patunayan? Akala ko kung mabago ko sarili ko, mas magiging madali akong tanggapin...
I may have the tendency to be upset about the littlest things. I tried not to be for some time now. And I think I did well. Though I also admit I’ve been falling short of my own expectations of myself lately. I can’t help it with the way I’ve been feeling right now. I may get upset a lot, but I also know and accept that things will never be perfect. All I need is the assurance that I matter enough not to give up trying. After all, problems will always be there. It’s in knowing that we are in this together, no matter what, that a relationship will work. For as long one person feels we’re not ready, we never will be.
posted by everythingyellow at 2:00 PM
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