Caught in a rut
I don’t know what to say. I can’t explain myself. If I could change the way that I am, I would. I am trying. If I could stop myself from feeling the way that I feel, why wouldn’t I? But I can’t. Or at least I don’t know how. If it’s not enough, then what more can I do? I’d give everything for this... It’s not even a question of what I’m willing to do, because I’m willing to do whatever it takes. But to take away certain feelings that I never want to have in the first place? Where will I get the power to do that? If I didn’t have this stupid heart then maybe I would never find myself in a rut like this.
Rediscovering retro songs
Lucky girl
Never thought I was anyone significant enough for the Lord to take notice of the void I felt in my life. So I took it as something I had to bear, and I compensated for my own personal unhappiness by caring for someone with everything that I had in me. I can’t believe God heeded my prayer, and gave me a love that understands, comforts, and cares for me in the exact way that I need to be. I’ve never felt this much peace and love before, like my soul found its resting place with Toti. I am without doubt the luckiest girl in the world to be loved by him.
Thank you for 3 happy months and 9 years of worthwhile waiting to spend the rest of my life with you.
Love Team
October 8, 2005
My personal cold remedy
What a way to start the week... a nasty runny nose... sore muscles... negative degrees temperature in the office... tons of work to be done... But who cares? Though I wouldn’t mind staying home tucked in my bed, I think I would rather be at work, pretending to be busy but really just relaxing my mind and body, sipping my bottle of calamansi juice and hot camomile tea, waiting for the 8 hours to pass by, until I can finally be off to my usual Monday night gimmick with friends and my dear, dear baby Joe. It’s one of those things you look forward to in life, the simplest things that make you happy and alive, you know... spending time with the people who mean the most to you. So who gives a damn about a darn cold? No way will I sulk alone in my room when I can spend quality time in the arms of the love of my life! That’s the best medicine for my heart and soul!
Lucy with no amnesia
Never imagined I’d ever be this way, giddy and crazy in love like a high school girl again. I don’t even need other people to tell me how awfully mushy I’ve become. I find myself smiling for no reason, checking old messages in my cellphone and photos in my PC over and over again, to kill time, or to brighten up an otherwise stressful day. I even get the same butterflies in my stomach every time I’m supposed to see him again, as if we haven’t been together for over 2 months now! It’s a wonderful feeling, like the biggest blessing of my life suddenly fell flat on my lap and I’m just not at all prepared to receive it... until now. So you can only imagine how it must feel like for me, to be in a constant cycle of waking up every day, and going through the sweet realization that I am, indeed, already with the love of my life...
Sa simula’t simula pa lang, hindi ko na kinaya...
...nung unang makilala ‘yung junior guy sa freshman org assembly (still remember his white v-neck ribbed shirt and khaki pants) ...nung haranahan nya ako sa harap ng isang daang tao sa study foyer at inabutan ng peach rose na natago ko pa pala hanggang ngayon (petals still preserved in a small brown envelope after 9 years!) ...nung patago akong manood ng gigs sa Tia’s, sa ORSEM, sa Cervini Open House, sa CADS concerts, sa Music Museum (and he says he was the stalker??!!) ...nung niyaya nya akong mag-lunch sa Food for Thought at halos magkandarapa ang mga tindera na pagsilbihan kami pagkatapos tanungin ang “Toti, sya ba yung ikinukwento mo sa amin?” (all of them were watching us with wide grins on their faces!) ...nung ilang minsan na tumawag sya sa bahay pero nagpanggap akong walang panahong makipag-usap sa sobrang kaba ...nung kumanta sya sa debut ko, pero umalis agad at ikinalungkot ko ...nung marinig ang Lihim na Pag-ibig at umuwi akong ganadong sumulat ng tula ...nung magkaroon ng pagkakataong makatrabaho sa Shindig pero pinahirapan dahil sa sama ng loob na di na mabawi ang kasupladahan ...nung tinext mula sa boracay at halos lumundag ang puso ko sa natanggap na balita...
...hanggang mag-online sya sa YM pagkatapos ng maraming taong di pagkikita at pag-uusap (did we ever even talk??!!) ...at magkita sa Belissima (which entailed 5 minutes of internalization in the toilet to calm down the butterflies in my stomach!) ...hanggang mag-kape ...mag-sine ...mag-salsa ...manood ng gigs sa Temple ...at kahit hanggang ngayon na kami na (KAMI NA??!!) ...laging kasama sya, kausap, katawanan... kaharap man at kahawak ng kamay... HINDI KO PA RIN SYA KAYA!
Eh pano nga ba kakayanin ang ganitong tadhana? Hanggang ngayon, hindi ako makapaniwala eh. Tama bang mahulog ang loob sa isang tao, magkalimutan ng 9 na taon, tapos biglang magtagpo ulit? At magkasundo na parang matagal nang magkaibigan! Tapos kung magkaintindihan, wala nang kailangang pagpapaliwanag. Tanggap ang isa’t isa. At siguro, lahat nga ng nangyari dati, kinailangang pagdaanan para maging handa sa ngayon. Hindi ko talaga inakalang posible ‘to, ang maging maligaya at mapayapa na walang kahirap-hirap. Parang hindi ko kaya tanggapin. Pero hindi ko rin kayang hindi maniwala. Biyaya ng Diyos si Toti sa akin. Salamat, Mahal. Hulog ka ng langit.
