Drama Queen

This week has been a rollercoaster ride... I went from raving about my relationship to worrying about whether he similarly considers it special... to being depressed that it could be a mistake after all... to now being quite pacified and looking forward to seeing him again...

I don't deliberately do this to myself. Spending a couple of hours of personal idle time at night sends my mind off contemplating on things. And with this being the most important thing in my life right now, can't really help the thoughts from rushing through my head, both good and bad. There are moments of weakness when I want to just run away for fear of getting hurt. But then, in a split second, I decide I can't bring myself to give this all up when it's what gives my life meaning. How unfortunate to be me, not to be able to shove aside all the negative thoughts that could bring me to my doom. I guess the good part is that I have a patient man who loves me and comforts me in a way that only he can. I just pray that he’ll continue to understand and never give up. Because despite my weaknesses and dramas, I know in my heart that I never will.

Missing my China Man

Toti headed off to Beijing last Sunday and wont be back until Friday. Here I am again, all restless and terribly missing him. This is actually how this blog started, so I could vent out all my anxious feelings when he's not around and avoid bothering him with my unnecessary texts. And this morning, I read his blog (sneakerpimpturning30). I couldn't help but feel all sad and mushy again seeing his pictures. There's this stupid ache in my chest making me wish I were the one beside him and not any of those other people. I'm weird. I don't deny it.

Space Flower Show

I think it was last week that I had dinner with Toti in Eastwood. We happend to catch a ska band playing in the open area and were truly entertained by their music and showmanship. The band, Space Flower Show, is originally from Baguio City pala. Really cool songs! I especially enjoyed the wacky dancing in their psychidelic colored suits!

Got this from their videos in YouTube.

Off to Mount Malarayat

While I take a moment to clear my mind, I thought I'd check out the website of the place where I'll be spending the next two days for a planning workshop. Hope everything turns out well.

Mount Malarayat, Lipa Batangas

The downside of brainstorming

Today, my boss called for a brainstorming meeting to get ideas from a couple other officemates on what my function could deliver for the rest of the year. It would have been fun to come up with out-of-the-box initiatives, but I was held back by all the worries on feasibility and relevance to what we are trying to achieve at the end of the day. Isn't it that key to excellent execution is FOCUS? Rather making an effort to be creative, I took notes instead. Will process everything later, when I can clearly think about an approach to managing my boss' expectations.

Blah

My day today is just blah... Bland, boring, pointless. To think I'm rushing a couple of presentations and coordinating an upcoming off-site workshop. I don't know. Sometimes, I'm just in no mood to work. Good thing it pays. Otherwise, I'd be outta here in no time!!!

Grey's Anatomy Marathon

A few weeks ago, I finished Season's 1 and 2 of Grey's Anatomy. Over the weekend, I began the 3rd season marathon with Toti. I wonder why hospital dramas are so addicting. Never as a kid did I ever ambition to be a doctor. Aside from the stress of having lives of people in your hands, I don’t think I can handle blood, needles, and the yucky smell of various human secretions combined with medical fluids and chemicals. On top of that, being a grown up now with a little more experience in life, I don’t think I can manage the emotional burden of dealing with sickness and death. But I must say, watching the heroic efforts of doctors on TV is pretty entertaining. Not to mention all the relationship tension that is probably inevitable in a contained, 24/7 work environment.

I don't want to be upset anymore...

Times like this, I don’t know what to think. Can’t rid myself of this feeling of sadness and anxiety. Just when things seem so perfect, the day has to end this way... I know, it may be too much to ask for a little bit more time together, just to cuddle after laboring through dinner preparation on a sore ankle and before facing another impending work week of stress. But I’m not complaining about the cooking. I really wanted to make the effort because there’s always a wonderful feeling of fulfillment acting like a homemaker for the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But it is tiring, I must say, even more amplified by the worries of going back to work after the long weekend. It would have been perfect to simply end the day lying in each other’s arms, and all my troubles would magically fade away. Instead, he preferred to go home and rest for an early morning start the next day.

I will not deny that I’m disappointed. I can’t help the way that I feel. I know it is a petty thing. I have no reason to be upset. But I also could not speak up in honesty nor demand for what I wanted. It would be unfair, inconsiderate and selfish of me. So I chose to keep my mouth shut. Learning from the lessons of the past, I went home to deal with my feelings on my own.

Here I am again, with all these questions in my head. I wish it were as simple as focusing on all the many good things, and as I’ve been told hundreds of times, remembering the wonderful reasons why we are together. But in moments like this, all the bad things come rushing back in an uncontrollable fury. Though petty and easily rationalized as a non-issue, I feel worse and worse by the minute. Suddenly, I can’t think straight. Suddenly, I wonder how I can pour every little ounce of my energy on this relationship and still doubt that I’m doing the right thing. What if the attraction is blinding us from seeing what is real? What if I’m making another mistake? What if one day he decides he can’t accept nor deal with the kind of person that I am? It’s absurd I know, and extremely blown out of proportion! But the questions continue to bother me.

I don’t want to go through this over and over again. I feel all alone, having to deal with things on my own, especially when there’s nothing to do really but just wait for the feelings to subside. Is there another way to deal with this? Perhaps with the person who supposedly cares about me?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe this will just go away. This is why I thought it best to let this all out in writing, instead of going through the cycle of talking and fighting and then admitting it was my fault all along. Because in the end it is. As I’ve said, I have no right to be upset. Still, I’m sad.